Dumping on a classic- Final Fantasy 8

I normally go out of my way to take a piss on certain games. One of those games is Final Fantasy 8. I decided one day to finally give free rein to my contempt for this piece of crap game, and explore WHY this game makes me want to kick ducklings. This following rant is posted originally in another blog, but that doesn't matter now.

Here ya go-

Ahh, Final Fantasy 7 (bear with me)...it basically redefined RPGs, put them on the map, made them cool, made the cinematic experience cool, made them accessible, made them...well, you get the idea. So when Squeenix, back then Squaresoft, made the move to make FF8, expectations were running high.

The game was absolutely beautiful. Simply beautiful. Gone were the super deformed little models. These characters looked absolutely real! And the cinematics! OMG! So pretty! And the music!


The presentation was absolutely beautiful, although the hero was modeled in accordance to a then-incipient trend of making the heroes delicate, pretty boys. Or, not incipient, but returning, in any case. The presentation was a delight, it simply pushed the envelope for video games all around.

The gameplay, to this day, is much debated. It implemented a draw system that made you weigh the drawbacks of using magic, because magic would be used to bolster your character stats. I think this was innovative, although I don't care that it was never implemented again. I favored the sphere grid used in FFX and then emulated in FF12 far more.

So why am I taking a p*ss on this game?


The story. And the characters. They piss me off to no end. The story is an amalgam of coincidences organized in such a way so as to try and impress us with incredible "plot twist" prowess. It's basically the game that M. Nigh Shyamalan never produced. The biggest plot twist is that all the characters were orphans at the same orphanage at a point, and their caretaker, the matron, was actually the game's antagonist. She has been possessed by a time witch, and they forgot about their childhood connections because of an overuse of fantastic beings called Guardians, which causes memory loss.

...in retrospect, the plot is not that weak, but what irks me about it is how it was presented. Namely, as a plot twist in some fucking second rate middle of the afternoon, right after Mattlock soap opera reject episode. The organ-driven dramatic sting was all that was missing, seriously. That and the french maid/butler.


Another thing that really ruined this game for me was the characters. Some of the characters were very compelling, but some were, for the lack of a better term, fucking retarded. What's more, the supporting characters were fine! They were well written, funny, and sympathetic. My issue is with the protagonist.

Squall. Squall Lionheart, to be exact. Guh. Squall walked around in tight jeans, a bomber's jacket, and gloves, being moody, and aloof, using a gunblade. Apparently in the game's universe, this was a hard weapon to master. He walked around sporting a face deforming scar, given to him by his rival, Siefer.

And this bothers me greatly. Siefer, a character more believable than fucking Squall, was made the initial antagonist. FINE. That's all fine. It's not the first time that the antagonist is cooler and better written than the protagonist.

What bothers me is that Squall is the proto-emo hero. He can't decide whether he's brooding, whether he's a lover, whether he's just awkward socially...he's all these things. He's a pretty boy who walks around, having girls fawn over him, who is a fucking JERK to his best friend (Zell is a MUCH better character, honestly) and he just blames it on being a loner. It's as if Squeenix did a study on Asperger Syndrome with Squall, to see if the character would be likeable to the masses. And indeed, Squall apparently paved the way for unlikeable, unrelatable characters...who the fudge likes the guy who is SO awkward that he can't muster the courage to take a girl out dancing!? Chances are if you were playing this game when it came out, YOU were that guy! BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU HATED YOURSELF FOR BEING SUCH A CHICKENSHIT....so...why is THIS butthole the HERO!?

And that's what bothers me. That Squall never really overcomes his social ineptitudes, he is confronted with being a social inept, and he says "I'm right, you're wrong, because I'm on the cover." and we're supposed to say "Yes, I wish I was like Squall." And it's not that being socially inept is bad either. It's not! It's just who you are! BUT DON'T TRY TO SELL ME THAT THE GEEK IS ALSO THE JOCK IS ALSO THE GOTH KID! IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN!

And that's my two cents on this game. There's also a love story, but it's so awkward and badly written that it makes Twilight look like Othello.

Warning! and Introductions

This blog is for ranting. Campy and I will spew some pretty offensive shit, so if your skin is thin, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

We're a pretty cranky pair. In the world of cute, adorable couples shooting lovey nonsense into eachother's faces, Campy and I are the old, disillusioned couple that sits on the porch and yells at the happy kids. Peppy little fuckers. Things annoy us and we like to complain. So in this day and age, where there is literally a platform for unadulterated narcissism every where you turn, this seemed like the best option.

We plan on covering a lot of ground, but mostly, our posts are going to center on nerddom. In addition to being sparkling personalities, we're unabashedly nerds. We like to rant about mmos, video game culture, fanfiction, nerdy fandoms in general.

So prepare to be blistered by the rants of Campy and Cello. If you're cranky like us, you might enjoy yourself.